How to Fix Your Social Life in 2025
Five Surprising Prescriptions to Improve Social Health
Last week, U.S Surgeon General Vivek Murthy shared his Parting Prescription for America,1 which boils down to this:
“After years of reflecting on the stories I have heard, delving into scientific data, and convening researchers, I have come to see there are three essential elements that fuel our fulfillment and well-being: relationships, service, and purpose.“
If you want to make relationships a priority in your life—whether for fulfillment, career or longevity2—you might be wondering how to start.
The world today doesn’t naturally foster connection, and is even increasingly anti-social3, which can make the problem unintuitive to solve. The practices I follow to sustain my social health are not things I discovered naturally. I was lucky, because I was taught.
For 8 years, I worked as a manager at a tech startup, building five teams and leading over 40 people. The company culture, borrowed from places like Google and McKinsey, emphasized that strong relationships are critical to deliver the best results. Years later, the capacity I’d built became even more valuable in my personal life, helping me do things like lean into tough conversations that brought me closer to the people I love most.
I was never told to just “listen more”—I was taught, with clear steps, concrete and scientific strategies I could practice, and feedback, because that’s how you change behavior.
So here are five prescriptions to take control of your social health this year.
1. Audit Your Investment in People
A few years ago, a friend invited me to reflect on my closest relationships and how I was spending my time. The idea was inspired by the work of Robin Dunbar, a British anthropologist whose research found that humans have a limited capacity for connection based on the size of our prefrontal cortex: most of us can maintain up to 15 close connections.4
We happened to be on vacation in Paris, so I found a bench in the corner of a small, quiet park and broke out my trusted travel journal. For almost an hour, I made notes about my closest people. The first 3-4 came easily. The next 10 were harder.
I haven’t seen them in 3 years…are we still close?
We don’t live in the same city anymore but we talk now and then. . .do they count?
Wait, why isn’t Lauren on my list?
I realized I wasn’t that close with my sister, Lauren. We’re very different people so there’s little natural overlap in our lives, but as the older brother, man did I feel guilty. So I set a weekly reminder to call her on Fridays.
I also noticed a clear pattern among my closest friends: they were kind, philosophical, and ambitious people. It’s an uncommon combo that gave me a stronger sense than surface-level commonalities for who I connect with deeply. So the following year when I decided to move abroad and had to build new relationships—something many of us do when we change jobs, cities, or chapters of our lives—I had a good idea of who I should look for.
Prescription #1:
Make a list of your closest relationships (3 to 15). Reflect on the frequency and depth of connection you have with each.
Pick one relationship you want to improve. Take small steps to invest more time and energy with them.
Look for patterns among your connections. What interests, goals or values do you share? These are powerful signals for what to look for in others.
2. Follow the 40-Hour Rule and the Power of Proximity
Want to make new friends? Research shows it takes around 40 hours of shared time before a casual friendship forms, and 200 hours for a close one.5
In another study, researchers looked at the friend-making factors for college students—gender, major, socioeconomic background, ethnicity—and found something surprising:
The strongest predictor of friendship was proximity of dorm rooms on campus.6
In school or at work, we’re surrounded by people and can reach 40 hours together after only a week or two. Outside of a consistent space, it’s hard. If you meet someone and want to start a new friendship, you’d have to hang out every week for 2-3 months before you might reach 40 hours together. That’s a long time! No wonder a lot of great initial connections fade away.
When I first moved to Mexico City, I met Oscar Obregón at a bar. Within minutes, I knew we could become friends. Not just because we had things in common, or because he lived nearby (something I was looking for in new potential friends), but because I sensed he was someone who was kind-hearted, philosophical (we both listened to the podcast Philosophize This!), and ambitious (he had his own startup). My kind of person.
But, I also knew about the 40-Hour Rule—and I planned for it. I immediately suggested we meet the following week and made a goal of trying to hang out with him at least weekly until we really got to know each other. Two years later, he’s a close friend and someone who helps Mexico City feel like home.
Technology makes it easy to keep in touch with people from a distance, or stay up-to-date through social media, so we often overlook this simple truth: healthy relationships require time and benefit from proximity. If you don’t have them by default, you should plan for it.
Prescription #2:
Follow the 40 Hour Rule to spend enough time forming connections.
Audit your average week for the number of opportunities you have to connect with people that require little or no extra planning.
If you have none, consider joining a group that meets regularly (e.g., volunteering, hiking, or faith-based organizations).
Prioritize having at least one connection with easy proximity (e.g., a neighbor, gym buddy, or coworker) to make connecting easier. They don’t have to be your best friend, but small talk or spontaneous hangouts with a friendly face can make a big difference for your well-being.
3. Be Intentional About Designing for Connection
Imagine having a fun conversation with someone over coffee. Now imagine that exact same conversation while flying together in a hot air balloon. Which is more memorable? Research shows when people share extraordinary experiences, they report stronger feelings of closeness.7 Companies and effective managers leverage this all the time when planning a company offsite, welcoming new hires, or designing team-building activities.
So when I made plans with Oscar, instead of just inviting him for coffee or a drink, I remembered something from our conversation and made my invitation a little more enticing:
That said, it can also be draining to have to plan new activities every week. At work, we intentionally plan recurring space for connection in the form of 1:1s. Yes, while it might feel a bit cringe, I’ve found that doing this with friends helps put connection on autopilot. Why? Because if our lives don’t overlap naturally (we lack proximity), then the default is we don’t connect—it requires action to make it happen. By scheduling a recurring hangout, it means the default is connection and it takes action to opt-out (though not much). This subtle shift that goes a long way to reduce friction around spending quality time together.
Prescription #3:
Plan your week—and your calendar—to create space for connection, the same way you do with other tasks/priorities. Research shows that having at least 1-2 get togethers each week with friends or family can reduce the feeling of extreme loneliness by 50%.8
Plan activities that are interesting to the other person, or create unique, memorable experiences.
Pick one person you want to connect with more and ask if you can schedule a recurring hangout like a lunch date or a call. This can artificially replicate the consistency of proximity and might be The Easiest Way to Keep Your Friends.9
4. Practice Mirroring to Unlock Better Conversations
The most important skill to develop if you want more interesting conversations is your ability to expand conversational potentialities. For example, asking open-ended questions that someone can answer in many ways vs closed questions that can be answered yes or no, or only allow one possible type of response.
Take the classic, “What do you do?” opener. The person can only tell you what they do for work, even if there are other potential threads you’d both find more interesting. And if there isn’t any common interest in their answer, it’s a dead end.
In a previous essay, I wrote about how playbacks—repeating a few of someone’s words back to them verbatim to invite them to expand on what they said—are a powerful skill to develop curiosity and awareness as a listener. Playbacks may also be highly effective for connection because of specialized “mirror neurons” that fire when we perform an action and observe someone else doing it too. Mirroring—subtly imitating someone’s gestures, tone, or expressions—has been shown to foster a sense of connection and rapport.10 Salespeople are taught to mirror their prospects for this reason. While mirroring body language or expressions is highly effective, it’s not always easy to do naturally. But mirroring words is something people can get comfortable with after practicing a few times.
This is also a great way to expand the potential of the conversation because by repeating someone’s words, rather than asking a specific question, they can share what they want instead of only what you asked about. Here’s an example:
Scenario
You ask someone, “How do you like to spend your time?”
They say, “Well, I like reading and hiking. I’ve been meaning to get back into painting, but I haven’t had much time for it lately because of work.”Option 1: Asking a specific question
You thought painting was the most interesting so you ask, “What kind of painting do you do?”
They reply, “Oh, just some watercolors and stuff. I’m not very good, but I enjoy it when I get around to it.”Here, the specific question forces them to talk about the type of painting they do, but their response is brief and surface-level. Maybe they’re not in the mood to talk about it. In any case, it doesn’t seem like something they want to focus on.
Option 2: Using a playback/mirroring
You simply repeat, “You’ve been meaning to get back into painting?”
They pause and say, “Yeah, I used to do it all the time when I had more free time. It’s one of the few things that really helps me relax, it’s meditative. I started doing it in college.”Notice that this time, they opened up about their relationship with painting and why it’s important to them, rather than what they paint. Now we have multiple potential conversation threads to expand on.
Prescription #4:
Ask open-ended questions (e.g., “What” or “How”) that allow for multiple answers and future conversations to emerge.
Practice Playbacks to discover interesting topics the other person might want to explore. Aim to do at least 5 Playbacks each week.
For the next 4 weeks, keep a journal and note how these techniques influence the quality of conversations you have.
5. Practice “pebbling” to strengthen your connections.
In Adélie and Gentoo penguins, “pebbling” is an adorable courtship ritual where a male penguin searches for the smoothest, most perfect pebble to present to a potential mate.
Humans also engage in a form of pebbling when we share memes, videos, or articles with others. These small acts strengthen bonds by showing attentiveness. The Gottman Institute, known for its research on relationships, calls this a “bid for connection”—a small effort to engage that, when noticed and responded to, strengthens emotional bonds. In healthy relationships, these bids are reciprocated, while ignoring them often signals disconnection.
Research in positive psychology shows that these micro-moments of connection improve emotional well-being, reduce stress, and enhance relational satisfaction.
I have one friend who often sends “pebbles” my way. In fact, our chats are mostly just a back and forth of funny videos with no actual words being exchanged. When we hang out in person, we have deep, meaningful conversations. But these little gestures—even without any conversation—help sustain the friendship in between hang outs.
Building a habit of human pebbling is a smart way to nurture relationships and boost overall mental health through small but meaningful, everyday bids for connection.
Prescription #5:
For the next month, send a “pebble” to someone you care about at least once a week.
As you engage with things normally—social media, Youtube, Substack—take a moment to think about who else you know who might enjoy it. Share it with them directly.
At the end of the month, reflect on this practice. How has it impacted the way you feel about these relationships?
Final Thoughts
If your social health is something you want to prioritize, remember that you’re not alone. Nearly 40% of Americans don’t get together with any friends or relatives in a typical week. People aged 30-59 are the least likely to get together with their connections.
But, imagine your life and how it could look by the end of the year: your relationships are stronger, your days are richer, connection feels less difficult.
The hard truth is, it won’t happen on its own—but it can happen by design.
Thanks for listening :)
What small step will you take this week to strengthen your social health? What tips would you like to see in future posts? Let me know in the comments 👇
A deep, resounding thank you to
and Sammy for your feedback and support on this piece.In an article published last month by Stanford, researchers estimated that strong secure relationships improve longevity by about 50%.
The Anti-Social Century, published last week in The Atlantic.
The more commonly known “Dunbar’s Number” is 150 and represents the upper bound of relationships. Within this same research is the 15 close connections.
Jeffrey A. Hall, “How Many Hours Does It Take to Make a Friend?,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 35, no. 9 (2018): 1297–1316, https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518761225.
Robert Priest and Martin Sawyer, "Proximity and Peership: Bases of Balance in Interpersonal Attraction," Social Forces 49, no. 2 (1970): 226–233, https://doi.org/10.2307/2575537.
Boothby, Erica J., Margaret S. Clark, and John A. Bargh. “Shared Experiences Are Amplified.” Psychological Science 25, no. 12 (2014): 2209–2216. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797614551162
The Easiest Way to Keep Your Friends, published last week in The Atlantic.
Chartrand, Tanya L., and John A. Bargh. “The Chameleon Effect: The Perception-Behavior Link and Social Interaction.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 76, no. 6 (1999): 893–910. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.76.6.893.
Genuinely new ideas for me:
🤯15 close relationships
🤯40 hours to friendship
🤯200 hours to close friendship
I always figured those friendships just weren't meant to be. But they were! They just hasn't incubated long enough. Thanks, Phil. Loved the content, style, and delivery!
This is fantastic. Clear, actionable, well-referenced and incredibly specific. Great work!